Thursday, April 2, 2009

Back At It

I guess it's time for me to get back to my blog in some fashion, so this is a post just to get me back in the groove.

I started this as a weight loss blog, mostly menus and recipes, along with some observations about my discoveries along my journey. I had never quite reached the goal I had set for myself, which may have been an unrealistic one for me anyway, but I looked and felt pretty good, and just needed to shape up and rearrange things more than I needed to lose much more weight.

Then the Kimkins bubble burst, and dominated my life for a long time. Too long, really, but such is the way of the legal system.

For me, it was never about "getting Kimmer", at least not in the sense of revenge, though I am not sure I will ever "get" her in the sense of understanding her. I am still amazed by her utter gall, her callous disregard of others, and her complete disdain for the truth. It is as if pesky minor things like reality, morality, and authority are there for timid little mortals to obey and superior beings such as Herself to either ignore or twist to their advantage. I think that the part of the human soul that houses natural affection and conscious is missing or broken in her. It seems her heart is without feeling for others and full of regard for herself. Whether one calls that sociopathic or reprobate, I don't know. I just know she is not 'normal', as she herself admitted in email to some of us as well as under oath in deposition, when she said she just doesn't think like other people do. Truer words were seldom spoken --- at least not by her!

Anyway, when I began to realize she was . . . well, whatever she is, I was hurt, confused, angry, ashamed, afraid, bewildered, all of that and more, for how she had lied to all of us, including me, and used me to deceive and possibly harm others. It was a lot to sort out and process through, and it weighed heavily on me. I wanted to understand, to uncover the truth, and to reach out to those still at Kimkins with what I was finding out. I made it my mission to try to undo the harm I had done, to UNsupport Heidi Diaz and Kimkins with as much energy as I had supported it before. I had been placed in a position of responsibility, and I wanted people who had trusted me to hear from me that I was wrong, that "Kimmer" was a fraud, and that the diet had no safeguards built in and was harming people.

I knew and cared for the people at Kimkins. I respected them, understood them, shared their hopes and dreams and fears. As I spoke out in various ways, a great many heard and received what I had to say, and many left Kimkins, and some started blogging and being activists against Kimkins.

It was a crazy time with lots of strong personalities involved, and emotions ran high. I vehemently disagreed with the approach some anti-Kimkins people were taking, considering it counterproductive to getting people out of Kimkins, as well as just plain wrong, and said so, poorly. For my frustrated criticism, I was slammed, slandered, and mocked severely, like someone had declared it open hunting season on Becky. I don't suppose there is much point in rehashing all that now, though I desperately wanted to defend myself at the time. It really hurt to read so many mean and false things about myself, with mistaken timelines, miscribed motives, misdirected suspicions, and a lot of maliciousness. The whole thing created a rift in the anti-Kimkins movement, and a lot of people dropped out of posting and blogging after that. I acknowledged my error, took my medicine, kept my mouth shut, and dropped out of the public eye pretty much, in hopes that things would settle down and move forward. I felt that my reputation and credibility had been undermined too much for me to continue to speak out effectively to the people of Kimkins. Too bad --- I had lined up some good stuff for my blog before this happened. Since then, I have blogged only a few times, mostly when John Tiedt has called with important news for public distribution. I did feel regret that Heidi Diaz might think that her stupid counter-suit silenced me, when it really just made me want to say even more, but our own side had already shut me out and shut me up before that. It eventually got to the point where I felt as if every word I posted anywhere was so scrutinized that I just gave up posting online altogether.

I am an open person; I have not lived a secret life. I have been well known in real life by hundreds, actually thousands of people, many for decades, and am liked by most of them, respected by many. I am flawed, sometimes foolish, but well-intentioned, caring, and honest. I took comfort in realizing that the people who REALLY knew me didn't believe the accusations about me. I heard from many who were completely supportive of me and upset by some of the tactics of a few outspoken anti-Kimkins forces, but were afraid to speak out, lest they be the next target. I also took comfort in assurances that those most deeply in the know about the Kimkins case, including John Tiedt, knew every detail about everything, and still believed in me and trusted me.

It was rough being targeted by Heidi Diaz, having her lie about me to her members and slander me in her fakey blogs, having her admins dig up every post I ever made anywhere, having her try to sue me for a million dollars. With good reason, I believed her to be dangerous and capable of almost anything. It hung over me all day every day as I was working to undo Kimkins and helping to build the case against her, knowing I could be called to testify against her in court, and that attacking me and my credibility during cross-ex was her likeliest tactic. Having some of the anti-Kimkins people also attack me and accuse me was even rougher. It not only stung, it also curtailed my effectiveness and had the potential to undercut my credibility in court.

The odd thing I found most disconcerting is that both Heidi Diaz and those leading the attack on me (and also on some of my good friends) went out of their ways to target Christians and to mock us for our Christian faith. In fact, many of the people in the big middle of this who got slammed by both sides ARE Christians. I have to wonder --- Why? What drives that? Why all the scorn and anger? Speaking for myself, I feel like I did not go around preaching my faith to everyone everywhere, and I did not claim to be perfect; however, my beliefs shape who I am and how I think and what I say and do, and I certainly am not ashamed of and will not deny being a Christian. Why was that even made an issue?

Over the last 15 months or so since then, I have seen more than a few anti-Kimkins people attacked by other anti-Kimkins people. I have seen good people who had been valuable and effective allies completely silenced by infighting. I have seen things splinter and then splinter again into factions and eventually almost peter out. That is a pity for those driven apart or offline or underground, who have lost the comraderie they once enjoyed, and also a shame in the fight to keep anti-Kimkins info out in front of the public. Our loss --- Heidi's gain.

In the end, though I do not suppose the people involved meant it for good, I am thankful for the harsh attacks on me, because they helped me examine my heart, repent of my wrong focus, and redirect my priorities. I placed what I had been doing in the Kimkins case into more capable hands. It turned out to be a good thing for me. I have a sweet and rich life, happy and fulfilled and full of wonderful friends and family.

Like many people, I gained a little weight when I left Kimkins, mainly because I was freaked out and didn't know what to do. It bothered me a little but it wasn't too bad. I stepped up the exercise, stated drinking more water (you know, all the things Kimkins told us we didn't need) and I was doing fine. Then, due to muscle weakening, I had surgery in October, and my recovery did not go as well as expected. It's no big deal, and I am returning to full function finally, but between the starchy diet I had to follow at first, plus the meds, plus the limited mobility, I regained some more weight. I am still not nearly as big as I once was, thank God. but I have no intention of remaining this big, now that I can return to exercising.

So, I may return to blogging about life and weight loss again, as I originally intended, since I need to lose this regained flab.

I may even, from time to time, blog about the Kimkins mess, for two reasons:
1) I am in this until the end, whether I want to be or not; I cannot walk away yet.
2) The world still needs to know to Say NO to Kimkins.

7 comments:

Justin Wallraven said...

I'm so glad your back!

OhYeahBabe said...

Me, too!

Becky said...

Thanks!

Now I need to get back in the habit of blogging.

Amy Dungan (Sparky's Girl) said...

Glad to see you posting again Becky! Look forward to reading more!

Becky said...

Thanks, Amy!

2BIG4MYSIZE said...

glad you are back
and congrats on the SLAPP win

Becky said...

Thanks!